well if this weekend hasnt been one from hell i dont know what is....wait yes i do i take that back. im serious what "they" say is true : life is a roller coaster no matter how u look at it. you're bound to be screwed over sooner or later, you're bound to have ur days from hell, you're bound to have the days that just cant get any better......ya know, earlier i never realized how much my life means to me. i mean im always saying things like "shoot me now" or "im gonna die" (who isnt?) and i guess with all the hospital trips and everything my mortality has just become so much more realistic to me lately. i realized im also not as brave as i thought i was. in fact, i can honestly say im terrified. terrified ill lose a friend of mine in a wreck, terrified one of my parents will die, terrified my brother will end up in jail, terrified ill ruin a friendship, terrified about everything. will i wake up in the morning? will there even be a morning? if i hang up the phone, will it be the last time i talk to that person? yea yea i know- way too over dramatic but what do u expect? im scared that one day ill turn back into the person i once was which is far from "pretty"- in fact its really far from it. i dont wanna be that person anymore. i also realized that i have a lot of hidden regrets. the other day i recall sayin that i regret not kissin this guy, i regret not keepin in touch with my dad nearly enough, i regret not being as close to my parents as most people are, i regret bitchin at my brother a little too much and i bet our relationship would be so much better if id stopped fightin with him long enough to listen instead of just finding a come back to everything he said. sure words are my life but...sometimes words dont need to be said, they just need to be heard.

maybe i just want to be heard.........maybe that's why im doin this page.......maybe my life is so precious to me that i want to record every thought...or maybe i just want to live and i live through my words......