strangely i got the urge to actually come back to this website. must have been a calling. i saw someone today- someone that i havent seen in a very very very long time. i had it all planned that the next time i saw him, we would sit down, just the two of us.....and have a long long talk about all the shit thats happened between us. instead, i saw him with three other people so i didnt really get the chance to sit down and chat with him like id hoped. i didnt get to pour out my heart to him about how guilty i felt for all the bullshit i put him through and all the crazy stuff that i regret. we all just sat there, talking. i wasnt just talking though, i was saying things to him- things that had hidden meanings. i sat there and watched him, in silence, as he lit a cigarette--something i used to bitch at him about every day of his life. putting thought into it now, i prolly woulda smoked a few myself if i had gotten to talk to him like i wanted.....cuz i woulda been a nervous wreck. i wanted to tell him that i miss him and that my life isnt the same without him and it never will be the same since i fucked up. i dont know whether to believe that what i did to him was right or wrong, because that in turn for doing him wrong-- i got the best thing in return. however, if i hadnt done what i did to him, i doubt i would have gotten that best thing. would that have really been that bad though? i dont think i could live without the best thing, which by the way was another guy, but i fight with myself every second that i think about shane (the guy i saw today). we had something special, that ill prolly never find again. even though ive had better, he was pretty damn good to me and.....theres just not another shane i guess. and all the sudden brandon comes back from houston, 5 months gone, and its the same but its so different. we're still close and best friends like we've been for as long as we've known each other.......but what we had when he left has deminished and its so depressing. it hurts me to see him now, cuz the love that we once shared is.......not necessarily vanished cuz i know it wouldnt take much to spark it back up, but its hidden almost. i wont get the chance to spark it back up i know that. not for a long while at least. he just needs time with me....just me....to remember everything that i was for him, everything that we were together. theres so much going on in my life right now, so much more than what ive said so far.......and its just slowly causing me to retreat into Depression......why?