I Like to Call it Brain Fog

So, as I finished Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince in under 9 hours, I've arrived at a very disturbing series of thoughts which seem to have resurfaced rather than appeared out of nowhere. My mind has inadvertedly and inexplicably made a connection between Harry Potter and Daniel. I know what you're thinking and I assure you that it is EXACTLY what I'm thinking: What the f*ck? I don't have a clue. Is it because the boy playing Harry is really a boy named Daniel Radcliffe (what a great name eh Chad? lol)? Is it because they seem to have similar physical features what with the tall, dark hair, and thin? Does it have anything to do with the whole world saying 'Harry Potter is not Christian!' and Daniel actually being not Christian? Or, is it something much deeper and darker like I connect the two because I once had a strong relationship with Daniel and now, after reading the sixth book of Harry's life, I feel closer to him as well? Wouldn't that just be sick and twisted.....I think that there are many levels to my connection between the two, but the most obvious difference (one being merely a character and the other being real) is perhaps why I feel such an urge to connect the two. Like being able to connect so well to Harry might actually reconnect me with Daniel.....*awkward pause* .....and if THAT doesn't send me to the shrink with a few extra "helping hands" and a straight-jacket, well then maybe I'm not the only crazy one after all huh? Suddenly I hear the Beach Boys "Wouldn't it be nice if we were older and we wouldn't have to wait so long......oh wouldn't it be nice..." from 50 First Dates with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore. Maybe I shouldn't watch so many movies.....Back to the Harry Potter/Daniel thing, I think it might also have something to do with relating to and well...wanting to play her in the movies....Hermione (Harry's friend). Ya know how you read a book and your mind just pictures the characters and the events like it's a movie or even real life? Yeah, I always picture a version of Daniel when I read Harry Potter, and again that could be why I read it like I do, and sometimes I even catch myself wishing beyond everything that it really was Daniel and that he really could perform memory charms and brew potions of luck.....that maybe then things wouldn't be the way they are, but as always my hopes are dashed to the wind with one simple voice that has been recorded, and unfortunately etched, into the back of my skull for the rest of my life saying "Things will never be like they were before. You know that." ....and I DO know that, and I know that Denial is unattractive and that I'm just being a stupid girl about it all but as I've said countless times before, I just refuse to let it go. I have to fight it and I will fight it until I die, even if there's just no fight left in me, you will see that when I am lying there on my deathbed at 87 years old only hanging on by sheer will power, taking my last breaths of air, my last words will be "Tell Daniel it's not over yet...". *another awkward pause* Dramatic, I know, but what can I say? It's how I feel and that's what these damned things are for aren't they? To express your feelings. So what if my persistance is what kills me, right? It'd actually be ironically humorous I think. Ok, so things will never be as they once were- I can accept that blame full-on. I just won't turn away and pretend like it never happened, because I know that in order to successfully walk away and pretend it never existed I would have to rid myself of everything that reminded me it did which, to say the least, is probably about half of my possessions and not to mention a considerable amount of my wardrobe. I would have to move away in order to forget pool parties and swimming in the summer with Jacob and Sarah, our talks in the park, sneaking to the end of my driveway at 2am just to talk to him for a few minutes, prom.....and the most important of all, I would have to stop caring. Obviously, the last one is my main hindrance merely because of the simple fact that it's impossible. Not "well it IS possible if you just.....etc". It is IMPOSSIBLE. No exceptions. So, to recap, on top of all that's going on and all that's floating around in my head right now, I have this hovering cloud-like wad of just plain confusion (no distemperment yet Duey). It's a little something I like to call Brain Fog.....On normal instances that would be the perfect exit line but I fear I need further explanation so deal with it. You see, Brain Fog settles when you least expect it, seeming to cover all the really important and vital things you have on your mind that need immediate attention, and makes everything else really hard to think about or see in your mind's eye. No longer can you visualize the goal, because first you have to clear the fog. Problem is that the fog won't clear- it just keeps interrupting your thoughts and quite literally saying "Nope, don't think so! I'm more important right now. Who cares about that? You know I'm more important or else I wouldn't be here"....and it can either make you insane, make you angry, or make you exhausted (both physically and emotionally). It's a horrid mess really, and again this is where I wish Daniel really did possess magical powers, and me too for that matter, so that with a flick of our wands is could just blow away....which makes me think of the movie Camelot with Richard Harris and Vanessa Redgrave when they were young and Arthur sings: "I know what my people are thinking tonight, As home through the shadows they wander. Ev'ryone smiling in secret delight, They stare at the castle and ponder. Whenever the wind blows this way, You can almost hear ev'ryone say: I wonder what the king is doing tonight? What merriment is the king pursuing tonight? The candles at the court, they never burned as bright. I wonder what the king is up to tonight? " I'd say one of the best older movies next to the King and I with Yul Brenner and Deborah Kerr.....I'd like to end this blog by telling you that as I have been listening to iTunes streaming Ambient Radio this entire time, I strongly advise you to try it and at the same time I warn you that it's probably hypnotic and they're programming me to go bury golden eggs by the patch of pink marshmellows....Happy Hunting!