My Own Hell
I don't quite remember what my last update was, and I don't really care to so I'll just start from now. Lately there have been a lot of....emotions I guess is the word...that have been surfacing and I'm not sure whether to look at it positively or negatively, although I'm sure there is no right answer. I can start with the most obvious one- Daniel. At this point, I don't know which way to turn. Am I supposed to bend over backward and if I did, would he even notice? I doubt it. He's far too busy with work and school and Kirsten, none of which I blame him for. I guess in the past it has always seemed like he was the one paying attention and I was the one trying to ignore it, and now that he's ignoring me I can't really help but pay attention. He never talks to me anymore, not even in class really. Sometimes it's an occasional "hello" or "what?", but most the time I don't exist. He can tell everyone else about his new job and his new truck thing and Hell- there might even be more that's new that I haven't had the good graces to hear about yet. He agreed to write me back when I wrote him. I didn't ask for much, just 1-2 letters a month as responses. He didn't even have to write it out of thin air like I do, but apparently there's still no time. I can understand goin through 2-3 weeks of non-stop work, school home....but even then the least he could have done was say "hey, sorry it's taking so long" or something to that effect. Or...maybe I am asking too much and can't see that I am, and maybe he's trying to push me even further away but I'm far too stubborn to realize. Perhaps this is his way of revenge. I hate how every single time I sit down to write on this damn blog all I can do is bitch about Daniel....even then it's not always bitchin. Maybe I've resorted to this method of communication with him, though it is highly primitive and unreliable it seems. There are some mornings when I can't wake up from the dreams that tear Daniel away from me and when I finally do wake up, it's reality. Then there are those night when I toss and turn replaying all the horrible things I've said to him and what's even worse about it is the only stuff I can remember him doing is good memories. I remember Valentine's Day and our talks in the parks and watching stupid Star Wars movies at his house...even Shrek. I remember the big panda that he let me borrow when I was feeling like shit and even remember the first day in 7th grade that he didn't come to school. I played it off like I was so glad he wasn't there to annoy me, but really I wasn't glad at all. I guess that's how it is now. I'm so used to him being here to pester me and be the best friend, and now that he's not....I miss him like Hell.
posted by stephanie @ 3/25/2005 09:48:00 AM
2 comments
2 Comments:
gee i can't imagine why you two have problems. in the past you've asked me how to fix things and i just tried to help you see things from his perspective in hopes that you would work it out on your own. ALthough i feel that lately your view of my opinions is, i guess cheapened, (perhaps for good reason)its one that i've carefully formed and stuck to for years because while you two formed your world i was the one looking in the window. i'm sure you don't need to be reminded that time is running short and i suppose that in this i'm offering to try to help -you can take it or i can stay out either way its going to end- and soon
Whenever I give you my opinion, in one way or another, I would say that I get the same reaction that Lizz gets. For some reason over time my opinion has become less important to you, or at least that's how it feels when you despute whatever I say. However, since it is on your blog, it is obvious that feedback is still somewhat expected. So, as far as Daniel goes, the only thing that I can think of is that he is following the advice that certain people have been giving him for about a year now. "If you don't want to get hurt again, stay away from Stephanie." You know who I'm talking about, too. At the end of last year I knew they were keeping him away from you, but it wasn't as loud and clear as it was at AGS when I heard, "Stephanie just needs to back off..." Look, I don't try to pretend to know what all happened between you and Daniel, all I know is what I've heard from the two sides of the same story. At first he was close to you, he got hurt, I guess, and has since moved on. Like Lizz said, there isn't a whole lot of time left. The real world is about to catch up with all of us very soon and at that point everything will change. I don't wanna say that you are reading too much into things, mostly because I feel like strangling you when you say it to me, but as you say, "If its meant to happen, its meant to happen, and if its not then its not."
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