Well, I'm not sure whether to say that the past few weeks of my life have been great or terrible, but I guess it's always a little bit of both. For every pro there's a con. I'm not sure which outweighs which. What I do know is that I've hurt someone very dear to me in the pursuit of my happiness and every time I think about it I can't help but feel lower than pond scum. I mean, who would do such a thing? Purely by accident I stumbled into a relationship that will most likely last for many years to come and even though it was only an accident, I feel guilty. Daniel went away.....after prom he went away and I went to work and we hardly talked. Then summer came and I went to Florida, he went to Governor's School for six weeks....we still hardly spoke. I guess it was in his absense that I became less aware of the damage I was doing which made me feel more comfortable about my decisions. Of course, it wasn't necessarily an "out of sih, out of mind" type situation because Daniel is never out of mind with me. It was more like if he wasn't here to call me or see me, I could procrastinate telling him the truth which would prolong our relationship as it was and let the chance of our friendship being ruined be unobtainable. Everytime he came back for a weekend all I wanted to do was tell him. I wanted him to understand how I felt even though I knew the chances of him looking past his own pain (caused by me) and through reason to see that maybe I am truly happy and content....maybe all I wanted to begin with was my best friend to just be happy for me, or support me, or even if he couldn't do that- to just trust me, have Faith in me. Then again, I could never do it. I'd sit down beside him and the words just wouldn't come out or the opportunity never presented itself--you know, the usual excuses. Procrastination mainly, and fear. It wasn't until the first time I convinced myself that I needed to tell him did I realize that I was just doing the one thing I swore to us both that I'd never do again: break his heart. I just feel like I've let him down, like I've lost any respect or dignity I might have still been able to cling to in his eyes. I never meant to hurt him though. I think I've said that phrase about a million times when it comes to Daniel. I never meant to hurt him. He's my best friend. Hell if I know why God had to bring us two together that fall morning in 7th grade or why dear, sweet Cupid pointed at me and said "Her...pay attention now, boy, because for years to come she's going to be the one you'll love unlike any other...but watch out, she's also going to be the one who breaks your heart." I'll be damned if Daniel didn't give a flying flip about the last part before he just jumped right into my life like I did his, bringing us closer than two people should ever get in a situation like we had. Those were some of the best memories of my life. I know that I shouldn't feel guilty at all for being happy. I mean it's not like I've never been happy before in a relationship, because I have. This time it's different though. I wish I could tell Daniel in person how it's different but I know that he doesn't want to hear it so I'll just write it down here and if he so chooses, he can read it. When I'm with Clint, I don't care: mad or sad or any other emotion, he can always make me smile. Even if I don't want to smile. I don't want to say that a future with feels so right that it doesn't scare me to death because it does. The difference lies not in the fact that it's Clint, but in the fact that the future is a lot closer than the last time I checked. I didn't need some fancy ring or pretty speech to tell me that this is what I was looking for. I didn't need some stupid line or lame rationalization to tell Daniel either. I just needed strength, hope that he'd understand, and faith in the root of all our emotions towards each other. Maybe I'm asking too much of Daniel, but there's nothing else for me to do but be honest. Ya know, I'm pretty sure I need him to try to support me on this one. Then again, I have also had the feeling that Daniel pretty much has been letting go of me for a few months now, long before Clint was in the picture. I don't know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. A big part of me has wanted him to take me off the pedestool and bring me down to eye-level with him for a long, long time just so that we could be best friends and nothing more but I've always had the feeling that the moment he did that I would feel not only lost, but betrayed....like everything we'd worked for together and everything I'd ever known and felt was a lie, and that I was alone. I can only imagine a small amount of the pain that he feels if it's anything like that. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do to tell Daniel about Clint, even more so because he was more clueless that I knew. I thought my heart was just going to come to a screeching halt when he said "Well I hope that you'll still be my best friend..." As if anything could or would ever change that! I guess it just hit really close to home. Then, when we walked back to our cars and said goodbye, I felt obligated but very foolish for asking him if I could give him a hug. Boy what a hug it was...at least for me. I may be exaggerating or perhaps just forgetting but I think that's the most truthful hug, and most meaningful hug we've ever shared. I know that for me one of the reasons I tried to make it that way was because part of me was afraid that it was the last time I'd ever get to hug him. Even now, when I feel like less of a person in his eyes, I'm scared that even though he says we'll still be best friends, I'll never be the same person to him--that's probably another reason that I feel like he's always judging me; the fear that I'm being cheapened to him because of every little mistake I make. This time it's not a mistake, it's my future. I only hope he can understand that.....