Well, I'm back again with a painted apartment and a insatiable yearning for June to arrive. However, unlike many a year before, it has nothing to do with school being let out for the summer (mainly because I will be attending school is the summer as well). Nope, this has to do with a much MUCH needed trip to sunny Destin, Florida. A place to unwind and party the stress of life away into oblivion...and get the HELL away from relatives and soon-to-be relatives. I wonder what the world is doing for those I graduated with and hope that everyone is at least happy in a mediocre way. FYI Carson's play is April 7th and 7pm at RHS and it is directed by none other that our dear, lovable Scott Hulsey. Please let us all reunite briefly to support our younger future graduates (which the ceremony will be held at Barton again I believe). So now, with nothing further to address......hasta amigos!

(Sigh) Another year gone by and I feel as though I missed something vital. I suppose we all feel that way though. Now granted, I have had quite an eventful year, but a part of me misses that tranquility we all once shared together. However, we have all grown and expanded our horizons to include others known from much further than neighboring high school rivals and it is for that reason that things have changed so drastically. Soon, once we are finished painting our apartment, I will attach a photo of my engagment ring for those who wish to see it but rarely see me, and perhaps a picture of my bunny, Sandy. There are many emotions which I wish to express, although I feel ironically that there are only 2 people which would read and not judge too harshly....much less attempt to understand. Yet again I will state that there is a reserved part deep in my psyche that yearns for the connection I shared long ago with certain people and that part dies a bit every single hour that I think about them. An entire YEAR has gone by with only one verbal interaction, and I fear that was done more out of obligation than want. Enough about all that though.....Carson's play titled Dysfunction, accompanied by her own music, shall be performed this Spring at RHS YAY! I am taking a vacation away from the hustle and bustle and downright STREEFUL NATURE of my life in Little Rock for the New Year to Eureka Springs where I shall wine and dine myself and fiance until it all just goes away. Naturally, I do not use the term "wine" to incur alcohol, but merely to rhyme. I have become somewhat of a chef these days as well, creating new recipies and mastering old ones so that we may eat like normal human beings as opposed to Hot Pocket fiends. Now, if you will excuse me, I will go tan and go to work. I will be incommunicado via computer for a few days due to painting. Hasta Luego and Happy New Year! THANK GOD FOR 2006

SURPRISE

The news you ask? Curious are you? Well it's official so I can say: I'm engaged. There, I said it. The end. Now, let the comments pour forth....

What I left Out

Lizz, love to tell ya what I left out.....but without the proof it'd just backfire. Chad, hope you picked up on it like she did. Marilea, thanks for writing back. Get back with ya next week when I have DSL.

My Life As My Own Person

Ok, so upon request here it goes: (ehem)...
Moved out, bought a car, had a wreck, hired a lawyer, got a job, got a...well I'll leave that out for now....and got a new tire! Yay! Seriously though, these past 2 and a half months have been a blur. A big fat one. On one hand I feel like it's all moving sooooo fast and it's all I can do to just catch my breath every once in a while, but on the other hand it's as if I have awoken from a dream to find life as it should be. I have to say that moving out is a MARVELOUS idea and I definitely suggest it to anyone considering it. This whole time I've been living in the apartment I have felt so liberated and yet it's the same as when I lived at home- there's just bills I pay on my own and I don't have the internet lol. There are good times and bad times, don't get me wrong, but overall I feel like I belong somewhere finally. Plus, it's so nice to be able to do what you want WHEN you want (that's the key). Enough about that. I've started a scrapbook of my dream house in which I place pictures of bathrooms or doorways or gardens (etc) that I like in the hopes that one day I'll win a bajillion bucks and blow it on a lot of wood and rock lol. I also have a pet bunny, Sandy, who is like my own child (as LaDona put it). I watch her to make sure she doesn't go too far out of sight, make sure she's bathed and fed....all the motherly stuff that I assume everyone knew I'd do if given the opportunity and that's why I was "the mother". Betcha didn't know that it is the current practice of Little Rock police to give a year's worth of prohbation for "lingering"...not LOITERING...lingering. Ask BoDona for further info haha. School is school- the only thing good I can say about it is that I don't get distracted since I don't know anyone but Kirstin in my Speech class and you can all guess the extent of our non-existant conversations.......*awkward moment*. Right, anyways, I really don't like college at all because there isn't much to learn thus far and I just feel like I'm wasting my time....not that I have anything more important to do. What ever happened to "life is but a dream..."? Occasionally I miss my dad, my parents, my brother, and friends.....certain friends......but with the busy schedule, everyone being so far away (although not all the distance is physical)- you catch my drift. Oh and Chad, FYI, I finally got past page thirty-two on my book!!!!!!! Aren't you proud? I'm in the fourties now, so bare with me. Also, I guess it's necessary to add, as a final note, that things between Daniel and I are apparently over for good. You can imagine whose decision that was on your own.

To Put it Bluntly

Jenny's old house stands at the end of the dirt road. It appears to be deserted. Jenny walks toward the house and stops. She stares at the house. Forrest walks toward Jenny. Jenny suddenly heaves a rock angrily at the house. She throws other things at the house.

JENNY
How could you do this?

She breaks a window. Jenny collapses to the ground and sobs. Forrest knees down next to her.

FORREST
Sometimes I guess there just aren't enough rocks....


(And that's all I have to say about that.)

So, after careful deliberation I've decided that the best solution to this whole blogger complication is to stop using this site as an online journal and start using it for other things...and if for some reason there are no other reasons, well then I guess it'll just be useless. I'll stop talking about Daniel for sure, stop remembering the past and stop making connections with familiar events/people/places. I realize that the people who used to call themselves my friends have changed so drastically that they are using my own memories against me in the hopes to hurt me, which it doesn't, but it's the thought that counts right? So, until I come up with some normal bullshit that everyone wouldn't think twice about, see ya...

Taking a Hint

I'd like to begin by commenting on the anonymous comment on my previous blog.......yeah, you're not so anonymous- that's all I will say. I'd like to put out an invitation, as well, to all who have comments about me or that they would like to say to me to please do so either on this blog or feel free to email me. These comments are quite amusing, as was the email from lizz I recently received, and they make for excellent reading material. The perfect pick-me-up you might say. Ya know, now that I think about it, I really don't have much more to say for now, but I'm sure somewhere someone does- so by all means: take a hint...

I Like to Call it Brain Fog

So, as I finished Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince in under 9 hours, I've arrived at a very disturbing series of thoughts which seem to have resurfaced rather than appeared out of nowhere. My mind has inadvertedly and inexplicably made a connection between Harry Potter and Daniel. I know what you're thinking and I assure you that it is EXACTLY what I'm thinking: What the f*ck? I don't have a clue. Is it because the boy playing Harry is really a boy named Daniel Radcliffe (what a great name eh Chad? lol)? Is it because they seem to have similar physical features what with the tall, dark hair, and thin? Does it have anything to do with the whole world saying 'Harry Potter is not Christian!' and Daniel actually being not Christian? Or, is it something much deeper and darker like I connect the two because I once had a strong relationship with Daniel and now, after reading the sixth book of Harry's life, I feel closer to him as well? Wouldn't that just be sick and twisted.....I think that there are many levels to my connection between the two, but the most obvious difference (one being merely a character and the other being real) is perhaps why I feel such an urge to connect the two. Like being able to connect so well to Harry might actually reconnect me with Daniel.....*awkward pause* .....and if THAT doesn't send me to the shrink with a few extra "helping hands" and a straight-jacket, well then maybe I'm not the only crazy one after all huh? Suddenly I hear the Beach Boys "Wouldn't it be nice if we were older and we wouldn't have to wait so long......oh wouldn't it be nice..." from 50 First Dates with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore. Maybe I shouldn't watch so many movies.....Back to the Harry Potter/Daniel thing, I think it might also have something to do with relating to and well...wanting to play her in the movies....Hermione (Harry's friend). Ya know how you read a book and your mind just pictures the characters and the events like it's a movie or even real life? Yeah, I always picture a version of Daniel when I read Harry Potter, and again that could be why I read it like I do, and sometimes I even catch myself wishing beyond everything that it really was Daniel and that he really could perform memory charms and brew potions of luck.....that maybe then things wouldn't be the way they are, but as always my hopes are dashed to the wind with one simple voice that has been recorded, and unfortunately etched, into the back of my skull for the rest of my life saying "Things will never be like they were before. You know that." ....and I DO know that, and I know that Denial is unattractive and that I'm just being a stupid girl about it all but as I've said countless times before, I just refuse to let it go. I have to fight it and I will fight it until I die, even if there's just no fight left in me, you will see that when I am lying there on my deathbed at 87 years old only hanging on by sheer will power, taking my last breaths of air, my last words will be "Tell Daniel it's not over yet...". *another awkward pause* Dramatic, I know, but what can I say? It's how I feel and that's what these damned things are for aren't they? To express your feelings. So what if my persistance is what kills me, right? It'd actually be ironically humorous I think. Ok, so things will never be as they once were- I can accept that blame full-on. I just won't turn away and pretend like it never happened, because I know that in order to successfully walk away and pretend it never existed I would have to rid myself of everything that reminded me it did which, to say the least, is probably about half of my possessions and not to mention a considerable amount of my wardrobe. I would have to move away in order to forget pool parties and swimming in the summer with Jacob and Sarah, our talks in the park, sneaking to the end of my driveway at 2am just to talk to him for a few minutes, prom.....and the most important of all, I would have to stop caring. Obviously, the last one is my main hindrance merely because of the simple fact that it's impossible. Not "well it IS possible if you just.....etc". It is IMPOSSIBLE. No exceptions. So, to recap, on top of all that's going on and all that's floating around in my head right now, I have this hovering cloud-like wad of just plain confusion (no distemperment yet Duey). It's a little something I like to call Brain Fog.....On normal instances that would be the perfect exit line but I fear I need further explanation so deal with it. You see, Brain Fog settles when you least expect it, seeming to cover all the really important and vital things you have on your mind that need immediate attention, and makes everything else really hard to think about or see in your mind's eye. No longer can you visualize the goal, because first you have to clear the fog. Problem is that the fog won't clear- it just keeps interrupting your thoughts and quite literally saying "Nope, don't think so! I'm more important right now. Who cares about that? You know I'm more important or else I wouldn't be here"....and it can either make you insane, make you angry, or make you exhausted (both physically and emotionally). It's a horrid mess really, and again this is where I wish Daniel really did possess magical powers, and me too for that matter, so that with a flick of our wands is could just blow away....which makes me think of the movie Camelot with Richard Harris and Vanessa Redgrave when they were young and Arthur sings: "I know what my people are thinking tonight, As home through the shadows they wander. Ev'ryone smiling in secret delight, They stare at the castle and ponder. Whenever the wind blows this way, You can almost hear ev'ryone say: I wonder what the king is doing tonight? What merriment is the king pursuing tonight? The candles at the court, they never burned as bright. I wonder what the king is up to tonight? " I'd say one of the best older movies next to the King and I with Yul Brenner and Deborah Kerr.....I'd like to end this blog by telling you that as I have been listening to iTunes streaming Ambient Radio this entire time, I strongly advise you to try it and at the same time I warn you that it's probably hypnotic and they're programming me to go bury golden eggs by the patch of pink marshmellows....Happy Hunting!

A Rare Thing- An Actual BLOG

As some of you already know, there was a bit of drama at the beginning of July regarding the Daltons. However, if you weren't fortunate enough to hear the story (and yes, I know that there were only like 2 people that I told) then I'm sorry but that ship has sailed. I have decided that I will use this particular opportunity to not blog an update, but to blog an actual blog and by definition I believe that means I shall blog thoughts instead of events. We'll see how it goes. So I feel like I'm being pulled 7,000 different ways at once and I am reminded of that Tuscany movie with Diane Lane or whatever her name is where the blonde, Italian actress said to her "I should like to offer you a bit of advice that FeFe gave me when I was just beginning: FeFe always said that you must live spherically, in all directions, and you shall find true happiness." So again, I sit and think 'Am I happy?' and naturally the answer is both yes and no, as I'm sure it is with everyone. Then, I redirect the advice by asking myself 'Is living spherically really a good thing?' Ah ha! Herein lies the question. Do I continue to worry about the fact that my college doesn't actually offer a damn thing I want to major in, or that I will have to attend this college virtually alone? Then come other, more impending questions like : How am I going to move out? Where will I get a job since now I am unemployed? and How will I keep that job, while having a full schedule at school, and still be able to afford insurance, bills, and a life on my own? Will it ever slow down? So, you've got your general, overall questions and your impending questions, but what about the immediate, tedious things that are necessary before taking any steps forward? When shall I open my checking account and how much money should I put in it from my savings? Should I start taking inventory of my possessions so that I'll know what I need when the time comes to move out? Should I also worry about who I move out with and how he will deal with his own shit? Then, there's the Dalton Dilemma (dun dun dun). What did I do that was so horribly wrong to cause me to get fired and cut off from the one person I thought would never betray me? and as far as that goes, whatever it was that I did do to make her so mad, why did it have to go so far as to make the one man who has NEVER been on my side for ANYTHING and has disliked me from day one to defend me? If I learned anything my Senior year, I learned that I have harbored a talent for causing betrayal amongst my friends without my own knowledge apparently for quite some time. I guess it all goes back to the "How far will you go for the one you love?" cliche. That's alright though, on most levels, simply because I'm okay with being mostly friendless majority of the time. It was part of how I was raised. I won't, however, say that I'm happy with the way things turned out because there are times when I miss my friends. I just have to remind myself that the path that they chose was one I was unwilling to compromise my own beliefs with. I could rehatch the "been there, done that, ain't going back" speech but it's too old for comfort anymore mainly because I hate remembering that I have been there, and I have done that. I'd rather deny the whole damn era to be honest. Now, I have another dilemma that has been talked to death in 15,000 directions since the beginning of this blog and I'm sure everyone's sick and tired of hearing about......and since we all know who the dilemma is referring to, I think it's safe to spare the speech and get straight to what comments I would receive. My favorite response always comes from lizz because no matter what she says, she always says the same damn thing: "Stephanie, you need to learn to move on with your life and stop worrying about Daniel. He's had a tough time getting through everything and you always go and complicate things so just drop it already, move on, and leave him alone." Short, to the point, and never right. However, on this blog I will refrain from saying another word about him just on the off chance I keep someone's eyes from being gauged out lol. Now, Eddie (aka Charles Chandler) requested I post some more of the script I began writing a few months ago....and I shall tell you why I cannot oblige. First off, it has turned into a book, no longer a play. Second, I'm on page 32 and that's just a ridiculous amount to put on a blog. Third, I've been on page 32 for about 2 months now and I'm stuck, and fourth, I simply don't want anyone to be able to read it just in case I get lucky and brave enough to publish it someday...that is, if it ever gets finished. I think I only have writer's block for fear that I will fail to connect the story the whole way through, and not because I ran out of creative juices. Whew, okay, that's all I can handle for now....I'll be back.