A Peek into my Psyche

Everytime I sit down at the computer to blog, I get the sudden urge not to. I think it's got a lot to do with the fact that I know the few people who do read this and sometimes things that I want to say don't want to be heard (which is understandable). Then again, I'm often reminded by a voice in the back of my head saying "But Daniel, the whole point of a blogger isn't to discuss it or get feedback, it's about writing what you think and feel- who cares who reads it and how they react. It's not their life, it's yours." Ironically, that voice was mine about a year or so ago. Where do I begin....that's always something that plagues me. Begin at the beginning and write like no one is reading.....here goes nothing.
To dive deeper than the surface and surpass all the silly, miscellaneous crap of the past week or so I will have to take you into my subconscious. There you will see a "miniature me" (if you will) standing outside a closed door looking lost, alone, and scared. The door represents the obstacle keeping me from going forward which, in this particular case, is my Stupidity. As you will witness, the miniature me continues to push and pound and kick the door in the attempt to get it to open. Yet, sadly nothing comes from her efforts. There is nowhere else for her to go, no one else for her to turn to for help, no hint as to what she should do next. There is only a black abyss that goes on for eternity and the door in front of her. On the other side of the door stands a boy- a boy who has been hurt many times. The boy also looks scared, but not nearly as lost or alone. He seems to be more or less okay with the door being there, for he has no real desire to open it. I think he actually might fear what's on the other side of the door more than the black abyss that encompasses him. The boy doesn't kick or pound on the door. He simply sits on the ground and leans against it while staring at the key in his hand. Should he open it or not? Would he rather stay where he is or chance whatever consequences lay on the other side of the door? This scenario seems to take over a very large portion of my thoughts constantly;mainly it's because it's something that not only affects mini-me and myself alike, but also because I know that I used to have the key. I used to be able to come and go as I pleased, and now my own foolishness, hesitation, and maybe even a lack of respect have left me with no way to go back. I guess the metaphor about burning bridges would insert here effectively. On the other end of my psyche sits another version of me, also alone. All you see is me staring at a photograph taken about a year ago. The photograph, of course, represents a thousand words- words that have been said or haven't and want to. It's a memory of my life back then- how simple everything was and how much fun we all had. Now, I see the same picture but the words have changed. It more or less tells a story of a Past that is so different from the Present that there is no way it could ever be close to the same. Overall, the picture symbolizes Innocence whereas if there was a way to take the same photograph now, "innocence" would turn into Betrayal with a side of Guilt. Things have just changed so much, for the better and the worse. OK, now we travel to the back of my mind where there sits the third and final minature me. She is surrounded by many things: a cap and gown, a mirror, her brother and parents, a degree from college, a ring, and a picture of her friends. These items, of course, represent her Future and all the pressures and memories that go with it. Sometimes she is happy when she thinks about the joys and successes that are to come, but sometimes she is crying for everything she doesn't want to lose. Often she just sits and stares at her reflection wondering how she is going to manage. The items around her never want to coexist. The picture of her friends doesn't like to be held and looked at while the ring is on her finger. The reflection doesn't like how it looks with the cap and gown on. The brother and parents are disappointed when they see the college degree from an in-state university. Majority of the time I see myself running and trying to find a place to hide from all these contradictions, but the only places for me to go are to a door that's locked and back to my room with the picture. There really is no way out. There really is no acceptable solution. There's no way to satisfy everyone, or to be completely satisfied. There's no way for me to be at my happiest when the people that matter don't want me happy. It's all a trap, a neverending maze of my own mistakes. All I have to comfort me on my journey is an old photograph, a ring on my finger, and a lifetime of memories passed. It didn't have to be this way; it doesn't have to be this way. I won't let it be this way....
Those of you who read this pathetic excuse-of-a-blog should know the identies of the characters. You know who you are...

Recently I've loved and lost

Lately, lots of things have happened. To begin, I turned 18 on Tuesday, November 9. I have to say that despite the hesitation I showed, it was one of my best birthdays ever. That's all due to my friends though. I mean, how many days a year can you get posters put on your locker, balloons and candy delivered to your classroom, glitter bombed, and still stay after school for a ridiculous amount of time? The day part was good, but the rehearsals afterwards were the best because not only did I get to actually overcome my fear of heights and walk on the roof of the school, I also got to play a part in scaring the dickens out of Mr. Dupins with a hellacious practical joke. Good times, good times. So, other than the birthday thing, a lot has happened since I last updated. The biggest thing would have to be the conversation with Daniel that lasted a few days. Now that I look back on it, I only hope that it made somewhat of a difference. However, I've learned from past experiences that it's probably not going to change anything and even if it does change something, it will never be the same. I'm not sure what else I could have said to him to make it easier for him to understand. The weird thing is that considering that conversation was the major occurrence of the past month, no one knew about it but us. Now they will. I think I should start a blog just for Daniel so that whenever I have something to say to him or he has something to say to me, we can talk and no one will interfere. I think that was and still is one of our major problems that has never been fixed. Too many people interfere with our relationship, causing us to create more obstacles to overcome. It's really quite disheartening. On a lighter note, I spoke with Lee for the first time in ohh......8 months or so. I know that no one else really cares, but I enjoyed it. Lizz lived with me this past week and that was fun. We stayed up late and talked and I dyed her hair AGAIN and I watched Psycho for the first time which, by the way, is the only word possible to describe that movie. I'm going to chop off my hair next week because I figure why not try something new. Hell, if my brother can be a hippie, I can have shorter hair. My mom had her 50th birthday party on the sixth and what a party it was! We decorated for hours before- taping balloons and streamers everywhere and playing with the helium tank while everyone else set up the FOUR BARS strategically placed throughout my house. Yes, it's true. No one went inside or outside without being confronted by a bartender. My stepdad turned romantic and bought my mom a freakin huge diamond ring. The weather has been getting extreme going from 80 degrees one day to 40 degrees the next. Chad's been busy as all get-out, running from rehearsal to rehearsal, office to the counselor's office, school to home. Marilea and I have been talking again which is good. I've missed it a lot. Seems like I'm slowly crawling out of the "God's just pointing his finger and laughing at me" ditch I've been in. We wrote a great Upstage script and I only hope we'll be able to pull it off. I think that's about it, at least for now. Daniel, I love you and everyone else- I'll talk to ya whenever....