My Own Hell

I don't quite remember what my last update was, and I don't really care to so I'll just start from now. Lately there have been a lot of....emotions I guess is the word...that have been surfacing and I'm not sure whether to look at it positively or negatively, although I'm sure there is no right answer. I can start with the most obvious one- Daniel. At this point, I don't know which way to turn. Am I supposed to bend over backward and if I did, would he even notice? I doubt it. He's far too busy with work and school and Kirsten, none of which I blame him for. I guess in the past it has always seemed like he was the one paying attention and I was the one trying to ignore it, and now that he's ignoring me I can't really help but pay attention. He never talks to me anymore, not even in class really. Sometimes it's an occasional "hello" or "what?", but most the time I don't exist. He can tell everyone else about his new job and his new truck thing and Hell- there might even be more that's new that I haven't had the good graces to hear about yet. He agreed to write me back when I wrote him. I didn't ask for much, just 1-2 letters a month as responses. He didn't even have to write it out of thin air like I do, but apparently there's still no time. I can understand goin through 2-3 weeks of non-stop work, school home....but even then the least he could have done was say "hey, sorry it's taking so long" or something to that effect. Or...maybe I am asking too much and can't see that I am, and maybe he's trying to push me even further away but I'm far too stubborn to realize. Perhaps this is his way of revenge. I hate how every single time I sit down to write on this damn blog all I can do is bitch about Daniel....even then it's not always bitchin. Maybe I've resorted to this method of communication with him, though it is highly primitive and unreliable it seems. There are some mornings when I can't wake up from the dreams that tear Daniel away from me and when I finally do wake up, it's reality. Then there are those night when I toss and turn replaying all the horrible things I've said to him and what's even worse about it is the only stuff I can remember him doing is good memories. I remember Valentine's Day and our talks in the parks and watching stupid Star Wars movies at his house...even Shrek. I remember the big panda that he let me borrow when I was feeling like shit and even remember the first day in 7th grade that he didn't come to school. I played it off like I was so glad he wasn't there to annoy me, but really I wasn't glad at all. I guess that's how it is now. I'm so used to him being here to pester me and be the best friend, and now that he's not....I miss him like Hell.