I'm really starting to worry about my friend Daniel a lot. He seems to be keeping something from me, not necessarily in a secretive way, but like he's holding something back...like he is afraid. Then again, I feel a little thankful that he's afraid because sometimes he burdens my mind with all the worrying I do for him. I feel as though he is one of the few people in this world that could actually tear me down to nothing just on a whim. He had strong feelings for me I know, and I feel like majority of that is my fault because I admit that I push his emotions too far sometimes. I don't know what to do with him though. I mean, after all that he and I have been through, I have very very strong feelings for him because he is my best friend- and I'm going to try my damnedest to keep it that way as long as I can stand it. I care a lot about him and what happens to him and I don't know what I'd ever do if I really lost him. Of course, I have to realize all the damage that I've done........all the fighting, and how I could not stand to hear the sound of his voice at one point in time because it just clicked in my mind for me to instantly rebutt with this horrible viciousness I didn't even know I harbored. That was greeted warmly by his "I can't stand to look at you" phase......that was the end of it I thought for a long time. Then I realized how much I missed him, how much I needed him, how big a part of my life he was, and how not having someone to share things with and talk to (whether his jealousy reared its ugly head or not) really got to me. That's when I decided it was time for me to suck it up, admit my being wrong, and get my best friend back............on that one condition that it would be only that: best friends. No more lovey-dovey-let's-go-out crap where we could both get hurt. So far that's been going well, at least on the outside. I have to admit though, when I went to his house and we were left alone.....when he started playing that damn guitar for me......there was a spark. I sat there in silence, confusion, and tried to supress the feeling as hard as I could by telling myself "Stop it Stephanie, you're being ridiculous. You know better than to even THINK of that. Just stop it this instant." I don't even think he noticed, which I'm thankful for as well. I let me emotions run away with me all too often. Hurts people.....it's my own damn fault though. I'm a compulsive manipulator. I twist and turn and come up with technicalities that would make ur head spin. (sigh) I wonder if he still gets sparks with me sometimes.....I wonder if they'll ever stop. I often think of Kyle that way too, just in a more romantic way. I think of us going out and it makes sense cuz we're good together we really are. I worry though about school years and college and the future basically.....I know we COULD last but that doesn't mean we WILL last. It's always been a duel with those two boys but it's like I've decided how it will be: Daniel's got my soul, Kyle's got my heart....and they fight over space for my mind lol. J/k I wish life was easier. That would be nice wouldn't it? Easy Life. Nothing is ever easy and if it is, there's something wrong. Visit this website: (it might explain daniel's view on things to u) http://thefluffy.blogspot.com/ Later yall

There are so many things in this world that I do not understand. Then again, I know I'm not supposed to understand. My brother has started inviting me to his house- almost as if he actually really does want me to go. This thought scares me because, even though I love my brother more than anyone else on this planet, he is a really bad influence. His life consists of little pay, even littler schooling, being lazy, mooching off of my parents, fucking around with chicks I wouldn't dare ask if they had an STD, and trying to see who can consume the most alcohol--if not who can stay drunk the longest. I love spending time with my brother but, sometimes I just look at him and think, "God I'm so thankful I'm not that dumb." You can always tell when I am really feeling depressed because I will call my brother and say "hey- I'm gonna come see you tomorrow night and I wantcha to get me something k?".....undoubtedly alcohol. Strange thing is, of all the times I've done that, I've only gone through with it once.....I guess I get the sense knocked back into me before it's too late. I miss my friends. Not the ones that live here, but the ones that have left....like Nikki, my best friend for 3 years. One summer she just never came back from vacation to see her grandparents in Tennessee. Then there's Lou, he just moved away never to be heard from again.....sure I mail him every now and then...and sure I got a picture of him in his soccer uniform...it's just not the same. I can't forget Kenneth, now that was a good friend of mine. Ha, such a good friend that he forgot to tell me he was leaving before he drove off....no address, no number, nothing. Not even a hug. Life never was the same without him. There's Brandon who just left- knew that boy for like maybe 6 months total.....but only really knew him for about a month and a half.....just drove off July 6, 2002-- lucky Kingwood, Tx. Finally there are the friends that will never come back, never be seen or heard from again- the ones who did something stupid, died too young. One of my best chick friends- Erica- rented my old house...stayed in my old room.......treated me like a sister. Gone. Stupid car accident with stupid alcohol and stupid drugs....stupid tree. Josh- always a nice guy to me, granted that he wasn't the best influence by far, but always a nice guy to me. Too many drugs? Too much pressure? Too depressed? No one knows...all I know is the gun was too close to him. Then it was too close to his head.....then the bullet was too close to our hearts. God I miss them. There's nothing in this world like friends. I don't care what anyone says- if you have no friends, you are the poorest, most unfortunate soul on Earth. Your parents, siblings, family, lovers, acquaintances, teachers, co-workers, everyone should be your friend. If you're nice to them, they'll be nice to you. If not, don't worry about it. Try to help them help themselves and if they don't want help, there's nothing you can do but be nice...which is what you shoulda done in the first place right? *sigh* I wish I had the will power to finish one of the zillion books I've started writing. I feel as though I could write the world down in ink and publish the hell out of it, but when I sit down to actually do it the story gets altered from reality or I worry about writing the reality of a situation because it might hurt someone's feelings or I feel as though by publishing my life for everyone to read, I will be down-grading myself in some way. I want the world to hear what I have to say, even if the world is just the people that know me. I know it may seem as though I can, but I can't talk all the time and I can't tell you everything I'm thinking- that is why I write. I have this passion inside me that just explodes when I stare at a blank sheet of paper and then I just HAVE to run and get a pen to write down all the thoughts that are rushing through my brain......it's just this neverending vicious cycle of Oh My God I'm rambling.....sorry. Well, enough for today. It'll probably be awhile before I write again because I have Florida next week, housesitting the week after, and then I start working. I really am a lucky girl.......