There are so many things in this world that I do not understand. Then again, I know I'm not supposed to understand. My brother has started inviting me to his house- almost as if he actually really does want me to go. This thought scares me because, even though I love my brother more than anyone else on this planet, he is a really bad influence. His life consists of little pay, even littler schooling, being lazy, mooching off of my parents, fucking around with chicks I wouldn't dare ask if they had an STD, and trying to see who can consume the most alcohol--if not who can stay drunk the longest. I love spending time with my brother but, sometimes I just look at him and think, "God I'm so thankful I'm not that dumb." You can always tell when I am really feeling depressed because I will call my brother and say "hey- I'm gonna come see you tomorrow night and I wantcha to get me something k?".....undoubtedly alcohol. Strange thing is, of all the times I've done that, I've only gone through with it once.....I guess I get the sense knocked back into me before it's too late. I miss my friends. Not the ones that live here, but the ones that have left....like Nikki, my best friend for 3 years. One summer she just never came back from vacation to see her grandparents in Tennessee. Then there's Lou, he just moved away never to be heard from again.....sure I mail him every now and then...and sure I got a picture of him in his soccer uniform...it's just not the same. I can't forget Kenneth, now that was a good friend of mine. Ha, such a good friend that he forgot to tell me he was leaving before he drove off....no address, no number, nothing. Not even a hug. Life never was the same without him. There's Brandon who just left- knew that boy for like maybe 6 months total.....but only really knew him for about a month and a half.....just drove off July 6, 2002-- lucky Kingwood, Tx. Finally there are the friends that will never come back, never be seen or heard from again- the ones who did something stupid, died too young. One of my best chick friends- Erica- rented my old house...stayed in my old room.......treated me like a sister. Gone. Stupid car accident with stupid alcohol and stupid drugs....stupid tree. Josh- always a nice guy to me, granted that he wasn't the best influence by far, but always a nice guy to me. Too many drugs? Too much pressure? Too depressed? No one knows...all I know is the gun was too close to him. Then it was too close to his head.....then the bullet was too close to our hearts. God I miss them. There's nothing in this world like friends. I don't care what anyone says- if you have no friends, you are the poorest, most unfortunate soul on Earth. Your parents, siblings, family, lovers, acquaintances, teachers, co-workers, everyone should be your friend. If you're nice to them, they'll be nice to you. If not, don't worry about it. Try to help them help themselves and if they don't want help, there's nothing you can do but be nice...which is what you shoulda done in the first place right? *sigh* I wish I had the will power to finish one of the zillion books I've started writing. I feel as though I could write the world down in ink and publish the hell out of it, but when I sit down to actually do it the story gets altered from reality or I worry about writing the reality of a situation because it might hurt someone's feelings or I feel as though by publishing my life for everyone to read, I will be down-grading myself in some way. I want the world to hear what I have to say, even if the world is just the people that know me. I know it may seem as though I can, but I can't talk all the time and I can't tell you everything I'm thinking- that is why I write. I have this passion inside me that just explodes when I stare at a blank sheet of paper and then I just HAVE to run and get a pen to write down all the thoughts that are rushing through my brain......it's just this neverending vicious cycle of Oh My God I'm rambling.....sorry. Well, enough for today. It'll probably be awhile before I write again because I have Florida next week, housesitting the week after, and then I start working. I really am a lucky girl.......