well if this weekend hasnt been one from hell i dont know what is....wait yes i do i take that back. im serious what "they" say is true : life is a roller coaster no matter how u look at it. you're bound to be screwed over sooner or later, you're bound to have ur days from hell, you're bound to have the days that just cant get any better......ya know, earlier i never realized how much my life means to me. i mean im always saying things like "shoot me now" or "im gonna die" (who isnt?) and i guess with all the hospital trips and everything my mortality has just become so much more realistic to me lately. i realized im also not as brave as i thought i was. in fact, i can honestly say im terrified. terrified ill lose a friend of mine in a wreck, terrified one of my parents will die, terrified my brother will end up in jail, terrified ill ruin a friendship, terrified about everything. will i wake up in the morning? will there even be a morning? if i hang up the phone, will it be the last time i talk to that person? yea yea i know- way too over dramatic but what do u expect? im scared that one day ill turn back into the person i once was which is far from "pretty"- in fact its really far from it. i dont wanna be that person anymore. i also realized that i have a lot of hidden regrets. the other day i recall sayin that i regret not kissin this guy, i regret not keepin in touch with my dad nearly enough, i regret not being as close to my parents as most people are, i regret bitchin at my brother a little too much and i bet our relationship would be so much better if id stopped fightin with him long enough to listen instead of just finding a come back to everything he said. sure words are my life but...sometimes words dont need to be said, they just need to be heard.

maybe i just want to be heard.........maybe that's why im doin this page.......maybe my life is so precious to me that i want to record every thought...or maybe i just want to live and i live through my words......

today is such an off day. my friends thought i was kidding when i stated that i was NOT gonna come to school...ha! guess i showed them. so ya know what they did to get me back? they all called me at lunch and called me a great big LOSER lol. yeah about 5 of them all at once. glad to have great friends like that. i feel like my environment is beginning to succeed in sucking me into it. well for starters to explain i guess u need to know that i live in arkansas....the country part of it. well the REALLY country part of it at least. its pathetic cuz everywhere i turn theres country music- for example RIGHT NOW the workers across the street have KSSN country playin so loud i can hear it over the construction....sad thing is i know the words..all of them. also i went to the mall hoping for a break from country and a lil twist of city....cowboys at the mall- hats, boots, wranglers....the whole nine yards. ok so then i figure come home watch some good movies......all the pretty horses? nope too country-ish....how about clint eastwood? NO! umm.....oh john wayne....what part of not country did you understand? so ok i settle for watchin my favorite movie, forrest gump. stupid me- anyone who's seen the movie knows that forrest gump lives in GreenBow, Alabama in a big white house that looks like a plantation house and a driveway lined with oak trees (im guessin on that one) thats dirt. and plus, have u ever heard forrest gump TALK?! i mean COME ON! sad thing is i can understand the boy- in fact i realized the other day that i can understand a LOT of country talk. too much prolly for my own good. in school we're readin this book called All Over Bout the Shoutin'......straight up and down countrified if i ever read a book. i can understand the slang, the nick names for things (hamhock, chewer, etc.) and i can even relate to the book. the book is about the guys mother that was born, raised, and married durin the great depression for Christ's sake! talkin bout being so poor that his momma would pick cotton and this is a white woman we're talking about- not just cuz she needed the money or cuz she didn't go to school and couldnt get any other job....but because she HAD to. we're talkin back when white families has just as many if not more children that black families did......and men didnt drink around their children cuz it'd set the wrong idea for rearin them, when men wouldnt be there for the birth of children and instead would be out toastin with their buddies bout the new life. its funny cuz in the book it talks about the two different types of southern language: one being where you stress the "r's" is a word and if possible, add more into it......like in the name Juanita they called her "Niter" and two being where you simply forget the "r's" altogether........like in mother, it become "muh tha" ....and you'd drag the word out til you could damn near be called a slow speaker. that was the traditional southern. i can speak that. i was told yesterday by my friends that i have the strongest and funniest accent of southerners at my school cuz apparently it just pops up outta nowhere. i told them i didnt have an accent anymore cuz since i moved from complicated, nowhereville (smalltown i used to live in) i trained myself to speak "city" more often than not and i swore up and down that i didnt have an accent no more....so we asked a nonpartisan bystander and supposedly when i said "hey. do i have an accent?" the words were so country that the boy couldnt even understand what i said. now that just made my day downright pathetic....which actually can be made worse because if i have the strongest accent at my school then ill be damned cuz my school is made up of rednecks, stoners, and preps- all of which are country as Hell. theres 3 parts that go to my school: ferndale which we like to label The Sticks cuz its just a buncha woods that stretch out forever, Roland which is the opposite direction and is a huge Drug fest but so small that walkin around playin horse shoes and nuthin but boots, jeans, and a camo hat AINT abnormal, and west city which is somewhere in between. i live on the roland side of west city but i hope that someone stops me dead in my tracks before i EVER turn into a Rolandite cuz im from another city altogether that can whoop all three's ass with the country...wait. why the hell am i braggin bout bein more country??????? shit.....see what i mean. my environment is reelin me in ......so slowly that i barely notice...........

had a dream about brandon last night. it was weird cuz it was like we were back together- but then again we never really were "together".....it was one of those dreams about people from ur past, like this chick id known since i was 6 but who left when i was like 11........she was there and she needed some fake chocolate cuz she was allergic to real chocolate. my friends brother game me clothes to wear for some audition which is never really a smart thing to do in the first place. oh well. it was just a dream.

sometime last night between the fightin with my ex, doin my homework, and talkin to my long lost brandon i realized that as pathetic as i am-- ive managed to become even more pathetic and succum to life's one real purpose for me....words. i mean for heaven's sake i have 4 bloggers! everything i have began to think now has even managed to turn into some fancy words slammed together tryin to a form a thought which prolly isnt real in the first place. ill finish this later. i gotta go to school now.......

Last night I had a crazy dream that I drove a boat like the one on the movie Anaconda down the Amazon River and my ex boyfriend that stalks me was there. He acted as if he were my best friend...Ya know what I really hate: when people say they'll call you back and they dont......til 2 fuckin years later. Gosh that pisses me off. Dude did that to me and it was all good til he goes "someone musta stolen your number gurl cuz I sure couldn't find it so Erica gave it to me" .....uh no. Dont think so babe. It's all good that he called me back up but DAMN hello he ain't got a single fuckin right to be all over the idea of me if he aint got the guts to tell me the truth. Fuckin liars. Too many people that supposedly "love me" lie to me. Now I know that's gotta have happened to ya'll...whoever you may be. Kinda bass-akwards if you ask me- oh yeah "I love you so much that I'm gonna lie to your face just so that I won't hurt you" ...........hell no. You don't love me. No one does.....

Sometimes the world simply amazes me. It can be so deceiving. One minute its all happy and you love it but then one thing rocks the boat and then everything goes to hell.........

Easy way to start this thing was ruined. I had about 600 words written at least- lost cuz of some sort of twisted cookie or some shit like that which was found. Fuck. Oh well- happens. Shoulda saved it yea yea yea. It's not my fault this stupid thing deleted possibly one of the best writings I've ever done. Gosh sometimes I just want to take this computer and throw it out the window, watch it fall aimlessly down to the bushes below after hitting the tree branches and hear that sweet, damn near heavenly sound as it busts into a thousand tiny parts on the ground. Sad thing is- I'm too reliant on this machine. I remember one winter we had a black out for a week and I went stir crazy. Think about it- 3 days without a computer......when you basically breathe through it. Yeah I slowly began to suffer a painful withdrawal which was so pathetic that now when I look back on it I want to laugh at myself. I mean I even cried over this damn machine and within 3 days time....I had a generator hooked up to this baby. Why I have no idea because it's not like any of my friends had a computer that was working so there was really no point but it was such a relief I could breathe again. I swear someone needs to give me a shot for my dependency problem............