ok well first off id like to say that im exhausted. between rehearsals, work, school, friends, family.......and even just "me" time ive been soooo busy. im just tired. im tired of a lot of things. im tired of trying to be adorable at school when hardly anyone notices. im tired of goin to class when all we do is sit there and talk. im tired of babysitting people to make sure they dont do anything stupid. im tired of talking to my mom when all she does is criticize and im tired of talking to paul when all he does is talk about how unappreciated he thinks he is. im tired of not talkin to my brother because hes so damn busy with his new job and im tired of this weird weather. im tired of being home alone but im tired of always being with people too. marileas bday is tomorrow and i dont have anything to get her and she still doesnt know what she wants to do, so we'll see. lizz is gettin better though, shes not as drastic when and if her mood changes. we found out at lunch that evan and rachel were in a wreck today before school......i was so freaked out when ladona started telling us like the little voice in the back of my head was screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! but i knew it. i mean after all, its ericas bday therefore something bad had to happen, it always does. i guess i sound pretty cynnical, but its true. well the first production of the play went rather well i suppose, except for the audience. i gotta say something bout the cast: chad was funny, cameron was annoyed, fidel was dramatic, katlyn was overdramatic, alex was...well alex, rachael was hysterical in that costume, jocelyn was very very realistic, and that should be it other than tasha, robyn, and jessica who were the 3 psycho chicks and we'll just say that they played their parts well. oh yeah i forgot sam....no loss. Clint, ah Clint was smoothe....very smoothe. moving on now.....i have a new admirer, but i wont dwell on that because people seem to be quite annoyed by it. i wonder where i should get dinner from...............

Well I asked for a weird dream and I got one alright. Ok so I go to this huge mansion/castle thing and this woman with dark hair and glasses opens the door. We go in and I talk to her like we're good friends and this woman is maybe 28-29 and she's telling me that her and her husband are fighting and she wants to apologize or something; asking me for advice basically. So I come up with this idea that we're gonna redecorate their bedroom and give her a makeover. As we start redecorating he comes home and so I let them talk and everything's cool...but wait, I still have a mansion to decorate! So I continue with this ornate tile and painting the rooms and I went out and bought the chick contacts (because she was already really pretty). The husband wants to thank me so he throws me this HUGE surprise party in one of the ballrooms and there's all these balloon animals and stuff and I'm surprised and all...but then he says "this isnt your surprise dont worry, it gets better" and I'm so confused. Well then the doors swing open and there are hundreds and hundreds of my friends! Yay! Ok well for some reason I'm not all that thrilled because I'm looking for someone who doesn't seem to be there. So I'm walking down the hallway and my grampa just pops up and he wants to show me some other room so I walk with him and the room he takes me to is like a huge playroom.....but I'm thinking, why do they need a playroom? They don't have any kids...In the playroom my aunt is waiting and yells surprise and all that. So she tells me that there's still more surprises and I'm all "yeah ok ...." So they both take me back to the ballroom but no one is there but me and the husband and wife. So the husband goes "I know who you were looking for and I know why." (for some reason this embarrasses me)he continues..."the reason he couldn't make it was because we couldn't get in contact with him since he's overseas....BUT we do have another surprise for you, a few more actually..." the door swings open and WOW! It's the guy! I'm all kindsa happy but I can't tell who the guy is.....I can't identify him, but he's very familiar. So the husband goes "my son didnt have to be contacted, he wanted to surprise you all by himself...." so the son gets down on one knee......SURPRISE! I'm getting married....then the husband is all like "in addition to that, one more surprise but this is for both of you. He throws us a set of keys. "One's for this house, and two are for your new cars! Congratulations!" I like started freaking out....Worst part of the dream now kicks in....I'm tryin to identify him. The cologne, it's familiar......his closet, the clothes, I know him......his shoes, anyone could have those shoes......wait, I don't own any pink shirts.............AHH!!!!!

Wow....Lizz has an interesting blog....points to lizz for updating. daniel loses points for neglecting to update.....ehh, who's keeping score? i wish i had a cool dream to write about in my blogger. once i had a weird dream....i should post it....but it was really weird......really really weird.......but like as soon as i woke up i went and typed it and emailed it to myself and i can still remember it.......isnt that weird how sometimes if u can manage to remember a dream, u can actually remember the exact images from the dream- like as if they were real? everyones talkin to me about prom......prom dates and prom dinner and where are we gonna stay for prom and whats ur prom dress look like...blah blah blah. im like yeah im excited bout it too and yea i jump the gun a bit from time to time but dang! i dont have a date, i dont know where to stay, if i dont have a date then why am i goin to dinner? and for heavens sake I DONT HAVE MY DRESS YET!!! ehh gotta go to cici's pizza.....

Well, time for another update. Saturday I gotta take the ACT, which I don't really want to do because I haven't studied at all......but that's no different from the last time I took it so we'll see. I haven't talked to Brandon in awhile and I'm kinda worried as to why I haven't called him- it's not like me to do that to him. But then again, I don't wanna become dependent so who knows. Daddy wants to know what I want for my bday and I have no idea. I'm workin after school on rehearsals now for the play ABSOLUTE MURDER. All I can say about that is a direct quote from Dupins: "Actors....you know how they get..." They got a few good actors that know their lines and actually act and react correctly, but then there are creepy ones like Sam that just scare the heck outta me and then that Alex kid.....wanna kill him asap! Grades are good, or so I'm told. Joseph has a pet lizard named Buddy but I thought we should name him Rufio just because I want to name all animals that if they're male. Chris won't stop and visit on his way back to Florida because he's afraid that the newspapers will read "Sailor attacked by young girl in airport" after his departure......but everyone knows I wouldn't like maul him....just the general run, jump, tackle, and hug.....nothing big. Ok I've got work to do..........

ok I'm gonna try to make my last blog go away now.....wish me luck. We threw a surprise party for rachel's birthday this past saturday. it was a success for the most part. friday night we beat lakeside 35 to 0. go senators! sunday i went to this AWESOME concert.....staind, blue october, trapt, eve 6, and 6 other bands that arents important enough to remember........totally kicked butt! the people to my left were getting drunk, and the people to my right who were already drunk were getting stoned.....yes that's right- contact high. we were that close. but thats not important. it was a mere inconvenience. big biology test and lab report due today...hope i did well. we got this essay to write in history and if we enter and win the national contest "my committment to america", then we could get up to $25,000 scholarship money......i havent even started on it yet and its due within the next week. plus we have to record it on cassette and im just at a loss as to what i could possibly do for america as one person.....may that'll be my spin off. major points are for content and origniality.....so again, wish me luck. right now moms makin neiman markus cookies- wait a second....THESE COOKIES ROCK!!!! now on to my friends....daniel was "resenting" me all weekend which totaaly made me sad, marilea was one of the drunks at the concert and although she is in a great mood when she's intoxicated, i could do without it. i miss ladona and rachel and erica too, and i cant do anything about that because i swear bo hates me all the sudden and evan and i...well, its just awkward. i saved lizz for the end because i just cant put my finger on it lately but shes awfully edgy towards me. i dont know if its me making her so angry, if shes got a lot goin on that shes not tellin me about, if shes got medication issues, or if shes mad at me for something particular....but it really bugs me when shes like this because i cant do anything right with her. i mean dont get me wrong, its not like shes constantly hating me or anything, its just that recently shes been snappy i guess every now and then when i say something. i dunno, but shes one of the funnest people and i hate her snapping at me, especially when i dont think i deserve it. maybe we've just spent too much time together lately i dunno. brandon has been calling me a lot lately too. he really misses arkansas and from what i gather things arent peachy in texas anymore. i feel bad for him because i dont know how to help and he cant help himself it seems. kyle.......grr....i dont get it. we break up and talk for like 2 days after, then we have a huge fight over stupid sh*t and we stop talkin for a week solid. then i make the effort to go see him and talk to him, try to work out our differences because as long as ive known him hes always riding me for "not puttin forth any effort" when it came to him. so i went and put forth some effort and stayed over at his house with him for over an hour just talking about why i was mad and what i wanted from him and how i hated fighting etc and ya know what results i get? i get a hug and a kiss goodbye when i leave his house and thats the last damn time he looked at me. gosh that makes me soooo angry! and i dont want to be angry about it because i dont want to care and i force myself to forget but little things remind me and then i get angry again.....ahh stupid viscious cycles! bubba got this new job FINALLY where he actually has a steady income....granted its only $25,000 or so a year, but it's more than what he makes being a waiter which is all he's ever known since he was 14 years old. its ridiculous. but at least now my parents wont have to pay his bills and he can maybe grow up a bit and stop spending all his $$ on alcohol.....that ticks me off too. its just soooo pointless. but enough about that. the fair is in town-- we're takin lizz on friday. now all we gotta do is figure out who's driving. lizz has never been- isnt that amazing? like brandon said last night : who lives in arkansas and doesnt go to the fair?! apparently lizz lol. im glad clint and i are gettin to be good friends this year, it helps me stay in a better mood because i just have so much fun when im with him and his family.....they're a barrel of fun as u might say. oh yeah and joseph is suddenly friendly which kinda frightens me but not really because i figure as long as it doesnt scare me, nothing can be as bad as i make it. doubt that made any sense. i wish my friends would update their blogs again.......(HINT).......

ok here it is--that poem I wrote on April 28, 2003....enjoy...

FAILURE

You talk to me like I'm a child.
You make me seem all worthwhile.
You make the world a funner place,
but "funner" never won the race.
You're so bold, so fiesty, so courageous
and yet you don't believe in He who made us....
which tells me who you really are--
tells me that you'll never go far
because He who has no Faith, has nothing at all
and He who has Hope, will NEVER, EVER fall.
You openly cast out razor-sharp words
hoping that the will make your prey hurt.
Defense is never the best offense, or didn't your Daddy tell you?
But how could he? Your teachers were too busy trying to fail you.
Once upon a time, you meant a lot to me.
You were my future as far as I could see.
Now I see my future, and it points me in a different way...
So goodbye, my Failure, we'll meet again someday.

*Keep in mind that I was either angry, confused, or hurt when I wrote this.....so those of you who read it (and you know who you are) that might take it personally.....just dont........

well my last blog was not informative enough even for me and i dont wish to be a hypocrite to daniel and write a crappy blogger so lets try it again: everyone in my family is suddenly b*tchin bout every little thing. mom thinks shes fat (shes soooo not) and she hates it that paul eats her leftovers without asking. paul thinks everyone is stingy which is his BIGGEST pet peeve ever and he also thinks that just because we dont always go out of our way to satisfy him, we purposely show that we dont care. bubba thinks that paul is being a d*ickhead because paul wont sell him his old tahoe and thinks that hes not good enough to get this new job. in the midst of all this, here i sit....at the computer, quietly keepin my mouth shut so as not to stir up any more crap cuz Lord knows we dont need it. concentrating a lot on prom and idk why because its like 6.5 months away and this is ridiculous because i dont even know who im goin with yet.....maybe its cuz im on prom committee idk. got bout 2 weeks to bring my grades up and im gonna try my darndest because i really really wanna do well this year. maybe i need to get my priorities in order but maybe they're already there. pauls comment about my bro "short term solution to a long term f*ck up"..........wow another fight, big surprise. ANYWAYS what else? my friend chris is keepin me company late at night when i have insomnia because he lives in seattle and they're 2 hours behind. its good to know someone will listen every now and then when the whole world is sleeping except you. during my insomnia last night i found an interesting poem i wrote sometime in april which i will soon post either here or on my subprofile, or perhaps both. i think i wrote it when i was either angry or depressed...maybe both lol. oh well, this is just another update for the record......i can always write more later. have a nice day!

Um, not a lot to update about. Spirit week was this week and it was fun of course, but not nearly all that I'd hoped for. Went to a fish fry for the firemen tonight.....I've been at my neighbors kick ass party but I came home to get a jacket and a different shirt so iI'll be back over there pretty soon. I've been talkin to Brandon a lot recently and well.....I guess there's nothing much to say. Sometimes I'm glad that he needs me, but we won't go into that. Umm....I gotta get back to the party.................(the end)