Well I was just reading my friends' bloggers and then I went to mine to read my last post and MAN am I ever depressing sometimes! I mean seriously! Oh and I'd like to start off by saying that this school year is going to be Hell from the get-go and I can already see the massive chaos that will complete this year. Oh and I do still have a b/f....I know I know, don't even try to say it. Trust me, you aren't the first. Had lots of fun in shop so far--that class is a blast, although quite dangerous. I am glad that Daniel and I are getting along as well and that he's not shunning me for having a retarded b/f--so thank you Daniel. Liza is just having a big ole time with her job although for some reason I seem to think she's secretly mad or jealous or something or maybe she feels left out sometimes but I'm just not sure......I wanna know what's wrong. Marilea...haha ohhh Marilea, what a blast, although moody today, is a great hall companion. Missing Brandon, Hating Mark...umm let's see what else you need to get caught up on.....can't find the Stevens, never met this Josh character, Kale is a new-found friend (again, dont even try) and my brother is tryin to get drippy money from the government. Step dad finally agreed to let me put my car in the paper THANK GOD and hopefully I just might get a descent one from now on.....ummm I know this was brief and very scatter brained but I have church in an hour and I gotta eat and get ready so ...........................(end of blog)

Again it rains. I feel like it suits my mood. Both good and bad. Both wet (not like that-as in crying) and dry. Drowsy but very much awake. Cloudy but bright at the same time. No, I haven't broken up with the b/f yet....I really can't find an excuse cuz everytime I try to, I stop. Ehh...let it work itself out. I've had a very interesting few days- what with my bro's best friend gettin drunk and stealing my moms '98 corvette, hitting a deer, and then everyone shunning him cept for car payments and me. That's right, I shall not shun. I think he needs someone right now, even if it has to remain in the computer. I feel like he appreciates having someone to talk to, even if it is his best friends baby sis ya know? I'm trying to do right by him. Tellin him to stop drinkin and stop doin drugs and get off xanax bars for Christ's sakes. I think that helping people, helps myself...if that makes sense. I wanna write a song...I can't play any instruments or sing worth a flip or even read music or right it for that matter....but lyrics I think I could do. I wanna write a book...but I can never have the motivation to sit down and finish. Plus, everytime I start to write a book I can get about 20 pages or so before I realize that I'm not writing fiction, I'm writing my life-and no one wants to read that. I think I've started writing about 15 books......all with unique titles from the unique part of my life they started out to be about. If I had a PCS notebook......I might have a drive to sit down. Ya know, like I don't feel like writing so I don't come and get on the comp cuz I know I'd rather chat with friends, but instead I don't even leave my room. There isn't chatting on my notebook, I just open it and type. Sounds nice doesn't it? It ain't gonna happen. I hate the government, they're out to get people who download music off the internet (guilty).......off to delete songs lol

Well today it's raining and I gave good advice: Just let things happen and quit worrying about everything. If it was meant to be then it will be. So that's exactly what I plan to do....loosen up. Stop worrying. Have fun, but not too much. Enjoy what I have now...while understanding that what I will have in the future is just as important. I'm gonna stop freakin out on everyone and let everyone enjoy themselves too. It's time anyways. Limitations are the Devil re-incarnate. Happiness is what I need about now anyways.....that and relaxation. I'm guessin that in order for me to get real true-to-life Peace, I need time to myself......which means I need to get rid of the dreaded boyfriend.......Great news. Marilea said that if I'm not happy, he owes that to me. Makes sense. She's all uptight about my ex boyfriend liking her and all this madness....but not my problem anymore. That's way in the past for me. I need some time to just breathe and the opportunity to do my own thing and find what I really want and be able to go for it without being tied down.....haha it sounds like I'm breakin up with the monitor. Anyways, I guess that's it for now. I wish my friends would update their bloggers more often....we'd get along better at least.

Here I am once again. I feel so exhausted by my emotions. One minute I'm happy, the next I'm angry, and then all of the sudden outta nowhere I just want to cry and be left alone. I doubt I'm manic depressive but this sure is not right. I wanna break up with my b/f because (to quote the song) "I hate everything about you-why do I love you? You hate everything about me-why do you love me?" Only God knows I suppose but this is ridiculous. I want to, I feel I need to, but second thoughts and then logic and reasoning oh and then the whole his family liking me for once.......so much goes into it. I yell at my friends when I don't mean to and then they think I hate them. I laugh at the most INCORRECT moments and my advice sucks. I went to Popeye's tonight after a movie that I went to with my b/f and as I sat in the drive-in waiting to get to the window, I suddenly found myself thinking that for the last month I've basically lived off of fast food--how sad is that--then I wanted to cry. Crying over fast food? Yeah something is imbalanced. I even told my b/f when I left the movie that I didn't wanna go with him to Sonic b/c I wasn't hungry........It took me an hour to drive home from a place that's 15 minutes away and get fast food...I was the second car in line....where all that time went I have no idea. God what's wrong with me? Is it the back-to-school jitters? Do I need to go back to my therapist? Do I need medication? Or am I just another ordinary teenager? Can't talk to my friends about this because they won't be able to help......now I'm not even hungry.......there's one good thing I have to say: Go see S.W.A.T., it's a good movie. I would know, I've seen them all....

Well, I just read a blogger that Daniel wrote about me a few days ago. I just wish he understood exactly why I don't talk to him like I talk to other people. I don't think he gets that he's different from everyone else in my life. He's just different. He always has been. He wonders why I can talk to everyone else late at night on the phone but not him- it's because majority of the time I'm afraid to. Usually if we talk that late then something's wrong or something will be wrong soon. I didn't talk to him the other night that much because he was talking to Lizz and it seemed like he was enjoying it so I didn't want to bother him. I know that's no excuse but that's really what I was thinking. Plus the fact that when I did talk to him he seemed angry with me....which I now know he was...but he just doesn't understand how or why he's different. I care about him alot but I'm through with taking his shit. I don't want to make him angry but it seems like I always do, or he always makes me angry. God I don't understand why a friendship as good as ours once was has turned to what it is now....or why it had to. God forbid I ever say goodbye to Daniel. He said in his blogger that he always had a second choice with his emotions (however he worded it) but he wouldn't talk about it because "certain people don't wanna hear it" or some crap like that.....which meant me. I mean is it really all that bad that I want him to live? to not smoke? to not drink or do anything that could endanger his life and take him away from me? is it REALLY that horrible for me to care so much? I've never really cared for anyone the way that I care for him because he's in a class of his own. I know what he means by hating the fact that he cant stop thinking about me or whatever even when he doesnt want to.....it's the same way with me. I may hang up on him and yell at him and all, but as soon as I do that- it's all that I think about for the next week or month.....sometimes I regret it sometimes I don't but he's my best friend and I hate that he hates me and I hate that I cause him so much pain and I HATE that I hate it all! He thinks I make him angry? He has no idea. He may get angry, but I get hurt...and there's nuthin worse than that. I know it seems like I'm competing with him and his idea of who has it worse because of the other.....but maybe neither of us have it bad, we just make it bad. *sigh* Daniel, if you're reading this-I ask only one thing:LISTEN to what this blogger is saying. Don't just read it, JUST LISTEN. Please......