cant talk for long, just thought id write since i finally was able to reconnect. just to let u know im still alive and thinkin about stuff to put in my next blog but for now- im out.

i know its been awhile since ive written. ill try to repay myself by writing something actually worth reading now. lately ive been contemplating my relationships, debating whther or not they're good, bad, medium- whether they are important or not so important- the way i act to these people or how they act towards me.....a lot goes into such a dilemma. as i have stated before, i have many regrets that have just recently surfaced and now more than ever i wish i could fix them. i cant explain this sudden urge i have to make everything right but it might have a little to do with the FUCKING F(!!!!!) i got in algebra 2...ehem i have no comment on that. anyways, my regrets list has become more plentiful and here's just a few things on it: i wish i didnt treat my friends as bad as i do when im on the edge and feel extra bitchy....especially daniel cuz i take a lot out on him. i get really mad at him a lot and i dont know what it is but lately, i just want to lash out at him in particular because it seems that he frustrates me more than ever. it might have something to do with the fact that i feel insecure (i guess thats the word) around him and i cant trust him and i dunno i just want to make him feel the pain hes caused me- which is really just down low, evil, cruel, and STUPID above all else. i know he tries to make it up to me cuz apparently my opinion means a lot to him- more than nearly anything- but to me i dont understand how that can be if he hurt me so bad. maybe its subconscious. who knows. but onward! to the list! i regret not actually trying with shane cuz i never really did try to be that great of a g/f to him, i fell under pressure and i dont know why but theres always gonna be something about him- something that ill always want. i just never tried because i wanted to go and do stuff and still have friendships that i had before- but im the idiot and i should have just let everything change because REAL FRIENDS wouldn't leave cuz of my b/f. he was there friend too...well most of them. he did so much for me, he was willing to do so much more, he was always there for me and i hope he still is. i regret not giving him the chance i should have because i think if i hadnt been stupid i might still be with him, but ill never know. another thing i regret, leaving my dads house. sure it did me a Hell of a lot of good but i promise it did just as much bad as it did good. sure it got me away from everything but thats just it- it took me AWAY from EVERYTHING.......my father, my step mother, my childhood, my life......theres a lot...a LOT of pain there, but part of it is my own fault for running when running wasnt the best solution i could have picked. i think ive turned into a different person because i used to be all work no play, straight A's, little miss perfect angel.....now im like fuck it, i dont care, this is boring- i want FUN, with a DAMN F!!! gosh that pisses me off..... well i think that the thing that has been bothering me most lately- at least about myself, is that i dont think that the last few years i have taken the right path. i think i kinda went my own way, did my own thing, tryin to be stupidly independent. but ya know, i cant tell if that theory is right because i want to think that i did the right thing, i want to think that i know what im doing. i want to think that im always right...i guess its a wake up call for stephanie today.......

sometimes i feel so alone in the world. i mean sure ive got friends and family and whatever but, i just feel so alone. kinda like that sayin: alone in a crowd. i feel very alone and that depresses me a lot because im so alone that i cant talk about it to anyone. my friends would just look at me like im stupid i tihnk because it seems when im gone- everything is thrown off which i have to admit- is very reassuring. i need to be needed, but i dont like it when people are too dependent on me. it feels good to be missed ya know? i mean im just fine and dandy bein on my lonesome and doin what i do, but having some one to talk to.....to REALLY talk to, would be wonderful at times. maybe i wouldnt feel so left out. its weird that i feel this way though because im just the opposite of left out- im right smack in the middle of everything most of the time, which goes back to my "alone in a crowd" theory. im so sectioned off from everyone else it seems...i dunno. i dunno where this is going. my husband is gonna be the person that i talk to cuz he sure as hell better like talkin lol cuz i gotta mouthful to say. its a scary thought that in 5 years time i should be finishing college and within 10 years time ill be married, hopefully workin on having a family. thats so weird to say cuz i always swore up and down kids were NOT my thing and that he day i had a kid was the day kids could be programmed to shut up or whatever. funny how ironic it is that the other night i had a very interesting convo with my mom about the whole "sex" and whatnot. she just said "Tell me when ya do it so that we can keep ya from gettin pregnant cuz there aint nuthin in this world thats worse than an unwanted child." i want a kid though, i realize that now. i want someone to teach experiences to, to tell stories to, to just kick it with-- i guess that makes no sense but i think itd be greater than great to have a lifelong friend no matter what happens. id give anything for a husband that....well lets not go there. ya know at my age most kids just blow off the whole "true love" theory and they dont buy into relationships that last awhile cuz either they arent interested, their parents wont let them, they have committment issues, or they're crazy lol. sure ive got a b/f and everything but he lives 8 hours away. i cant handle that. i mean we can date or whatever other people but...its not the same. i just want a guy that i can have fun with, that i can spend time with, that doesnt stress me to no end, and that loves me back. it doesnt seem like that much to ask to me but i guess it is cuz so far, ive only found one guy thats met these standards and more......cant go there though. not my territory anymore. oh well, ill deal with it later. BYE!

one thing i realize is that my life really is pretty good. the man that is satisfied with his life is indeed a rich soul. i awake every morning with the urge to go right back to sleep, hoping that if only i could just stay there in my bed, i could be happy. hope is something i apparently have a lot of. i hope a lot of things everyday for me, my friends, my family. sometimes i hope for the not so good but most of the time its for the better.
something that cannot go without mention is that the friendships i have right now are my life. i grew up with these people, i live with these people, i am one of them. my friendships are what keep me going everyday. they are the reason i get up in the morning and go to school. from each of my friendships i can pull a quality that i myself possess and treasure. from marilea, i get understanding. the ability to look at every situation with unbelievable faith in the other person's point of view. she's always telling me: "yeah but i mean look at it from her point of view" which makes me all the better of a person. from lizz i get my humor. i dont think i ever would have been the amazingly witty person i am, if i am even considered that, without her. although it is an odd sense of humor, it never ceases to entertain thats for sure. from ladona, i get my fun-loving nature. she encourages me to have fun in everything i do, no matter how stupid, dangerous, boring, or whatever the problem. just have fun doin it she says. makes my life so much less stressful. from daniel, i dont know what i get. i guess i get my serious side from him. he was really one of the first guys to ever really love me, and with him it was just an open seriousness. i can sit there and bitch bitch bitch at him being absolutely dead serious and he will just take it. i mean sure he'll bitch right back, but he will let me vent. i often blame too much on him or take out too much on him and it creates problems, but i guess that's what you get with the serious types. from chad i get my uncanny way to learn things- i guess u can call it a spying technique. that's always good to have. from clint, i get my comfort. i dont know why, but ill always be comfortable around him. from erica, i attained my kick-ass attitude because she's always got someone who just needs to be shot on her list lol. from rachel, i got my bravery- and i guess i get some of that from audra too but nevertheless, rachel is the one who finally brought it out in me. she has always given me the confidence to do what i should do when i should do it. without her i never would have had the great relationship i had with shane and without her i never would have gotten my moment in time with brandon. from brandon i definately get my romance....my need to be perfect. i dunno but i guess the strive for perfection that every person tries to reach whether they admit it or not comes from a good reason. brandon is my good reason. the romance, the passion, everything that he showed me about being a great person is probably what i strive for in this life at the moment. from shane i learned my down-to-earthness because he always had a straight answer for every question. always had a need for things to work and always had something to fix or fiddle with to make it better. he wanted everything to be the best it could be, illegal or not. whether it was my head or my heart that couldnt handle that quality in him, ill never know. from kyle i definately get my sarcasm, but more importantly he gave me my heart and with my heart, the ability to chose what i wanted to do. he gave me Option. daniel never gave me option but i guess when jealousy rears its ugly head, there isnt much else a person can see. i guess i get my dependency from lizz too cuz she sure got me started lol.
I get my Happiness from being around these people, with these friendships. adding all this together makes one hell of a mixture and yet it not only negates itself but it makes perfect sense. when we're all together its not exactly harmony but it flows. whether its a day where we all bitch and bitch back or a day when we all just wanna be playful, we all enjoy it- at least thats how i see it from my perspective. 3 of us are manic-depressive, 3 or 4 are suicidal. we're a wide range of everything from goody-goody's, stoners, runaways, delinquents (yes u can guess that those three were all one person), seminormal people, etc.
**but most of all, we're a Family. Love, hate, deception, lies, secrets, outings, honesty, caring....everything rolled into one big massive lump we call our lives....our lives as The Family.

well as i sit here, i wonder why i even resort to drinking. i mean sure ive had a shitty week, but im not the only one. ive got friends that jump at the chance to come over when i mention the word "alcohol" or "drunk". funny now that i think about it because actually, i dont really consider myself a drinking type of person. actually i wanna stay as far away from what they call an "alcoholic" as is possible because i dont wanna turn out like my family. word to the wise: screwdrivers aren't all they're cracked up to be. my friend asked me if i was a depressed drunk and i said no, laughed it off, changed the station.....but ya know now that i think about it- its entirely a possibility. i mean my week is hell and my so called "best friend" daniel is about to kill me. i mean sometimes i just feel like wringin his neck and i honestly dont know how in the world im gonna handle workin with him on tech crew. hes supposed to my crew which i guess is a good thing because ill at least have control over every situation but i know how thatll work out. i mean itll be me going "daniel just shut up and do it!" and marilea telling us both to shut up while lizz goes off into a whole different world. ANYWAYS on a better subject, i guess ill go to the fact that this weekend might possibly turn out to be blissful. im supposed to go see sweet home alabama with ladona which im dying to see and we get to go to the mall to search for rachels birthday which also happens to be the fair weekend AND something else....i forgot. anyways did u know that girls blink twice as much as guys? figures huh? i mean we bat our eyes at guys as some sort of twisted mating ritual i guess. haha man i just totally got off subject....oh dude wait, i didnt even HAVE a subject established yet! thats just like me! GOD i miss brandon like no other! i hope that my boyfriend hasnt broken up with me cuz i havent talked to him in over 2 weeks and before that i only talked to him like twice for about 5 minutes if that. thats just sad. whats even sadder is that im totally freakin fallin for this guy from like last year. we kinda split really suddenly, not that we were ever really together, but we were CLOSE oh so close and dude its like all the sudden hes talkin to me again outta nowhere. i dunno. i just think that right now i need another drink.............

god i hate hospitals. i dont hate them because of the usual reasons, ya know just because there's sickness and disease everywhere or cuz of all the gadgets or the gloomy atmosphere or any of that crap. i just hate them because i know that as soon as the word "hospital" is uttered.....its a very very bad thing. i know that generally ill have to go there at least two to three times during the patients stay and i know that as soon as i walk into that room, my one pride and joy will leave me- im referring to words. i have a tendency to become silent and melancholy. i just sit and observe everything: the nurses coming in and out checkin this gadget or that one, the family all aimlessly wondering about the room lookin at plants and making small talk while the mother is hovering over every little whimper or cough. i know that generally the main person that stays with the patient is bound to average one fight a day with the nurse and have at least one good stern talkin to the head nurse depending on the alotted time of their stay. god i hate hospitals. its rare that i have to go there, although now that my parents are in that age zone i know ill be going more and more and i know that when i do go, its not just some stupid normal everyday thing. its gonna require a lot of updates, a lot of playing secretary with the people that call, a lot of watering plants, a lot of small talk- and a complete takeover of insomnia and loss of appetite. thats just how it goes. hours and hours of waiting in uncomfortable chairs with some monotone tv show playing constantly and a faint but yet very much alive drip of the IV into that small tunnel of plastic. lucky for me nearly half my extended family are nurses or medical personnel of some sort- not that it does me any good cuz ive never had any serious problems and i never hope to. ive only had one surgery in my life and that was completely voluntary on my behalf- just get it over with now...mine as well instead of having to deal with complications later. its not like it made a difference to me either way. i mean choice one: get the fun gas, put to sleep, 3 hours later wake up, go home and sleep for 4 days OR choice number two: wait til im thirty with a gap between my two front teeth the size of miami....hmm real hard choice. i hate the way everyone expects me to do something major in life.....preferrably with a PhD or Doctor in front of my name if you get my drift. all i want to do is write, act, dance, sing, take pictures......hell ill even be behind the scenes. its what "gets my motor running" so to speak. its my passion. the day that i stop recording my lifes adventures is the day that 6 feet of dirt and rocks are forcing me to stay down. currently ive settled for being a sound manager at my school and i basically get to play with all the sound equipment, music and whatnot during plays or contests or anything of that sort. its the next best thing to acting. i acted all of my elementary school life and i was always the lead role, except in musicals lol cuz my vocal talents need more than a bit of tuning- but that doesnt stop me from loving to sing just as much as the pros. hell i WAS the little red hen! i wrote and presented a speech at my graduation as the first student on stage. they all tell me i have "so much talent" but then they say talent and brains- brains go first, henceforth the Doctor and PhD directions im pointed in. i hope God will give me the strength i need to handle this pressure that has been put upon me............maybe someday ill succeed.......